My Funny Valentine

Isaac looking for the toy he had just tossed. (Yes, during dinner!) I love the Valentine t-shirt! 

He is pretty good at trying new foods. Here he is trying Baba's tilapia.

He is showing you one of his favorite foods- grape tomatoes. 

This Friday will be seven weeks home. Just a moment ago I heard him yell, (in an accented 5 year old voice) "Ready, Set, Go!" and my heart swelled to bursting. Although I really love hearing him babble in Chinese, hearing him speak English to himself as he plays makes me want to cry with joy. It signifies the progress we are making on this road to attaching, both of us with pain and baggage in our past that keeps us drawing closer and then pulling back.

Isaac is sleeping on a mattress in our room still and he talks in his sleep. He speaks in Chinese so I don't know what he says, but he says "Mama" in there. Hearing that word pulls me out of the deepest sleep in less than 1 second. And I wonder what he is saying all the more. Is he dreaming that I am loving him and meeting his needs? Or maybe remembering one of my too many failures from the day? With those seeds I pray often for crop failure.

As a mother I am learning to let go of ideals (which I knew to do in theory but doing it in real life is quite different). I am learning to give up my desires and plans on a minute-by-minute basis. I am learning to answer the same question or request a thousand times- whether it be in Chinese, English, or Hand Gesture- without showing frustration. I am learning that the pitter patter of little feet in reality sounds more like a freight train. (How can 42 pounds make the whole house shake?!) Little hands can find mess and trouble in more places than I could imagine. But I am learning that the joy of seeing this little boy smile at me melts all troubles. I love to grant his request and see his delight. I love to show him new things and watch his exaggerated response. (He is hilariously dramatic!) And actually, I love to see the ketchup smeared on his face after he has enjoyed his french-fries.

Tonight he and his Baba are off to get haircuts. He grabbed his backpack of selected toys and ran out the door, cheerily repeating "Bye, I love you!" after Baba said it to me. Melt my heart! He is not yet to the point where he will tell us that he loves us for real, so I am cherishing the memory of hearing that. So far we are at the stage where about half the time he will accept when we say it to him, whether in English or Chinese. The other half of the time he shakes his head and/or says "No!" Often now he will give hugs or let us kiss him when we ask. And he asks to be carried much of the time even around the house.

These are all good signs telling us we are heading in the right direction. But trust and love take time and it is a daily task. The things you do naturally to teach an infant to trust and be comforted by you do not come as easily and naturally when the child is five. His desire for independence is at war with his need for dependence. Every moment is an opportunity to teach him to lean on us and I pray for wisdom more earnestly than I have before.

Isaac is already fully my son, but also he becomes more my son every day as we learn each other and grow closer.